Disappointed.Sad.Angry

I thought that I had suppressed all of the emotions tied to this situation deep down inside of me, but one of my close friend’s pregnancy journey awakened a sadness that I didn’t even know I was carrying.

New Years Eve my husband planned an amazing celebration for us. I ‘d been complaining that we lost our “spark” and we didn’t spend time together like we used to, so Justin made it his business to make sure that we didn’t bring in the new year on the couch.

I couldn’t ask for a more perfect evening. We had a hotel downtown Austin with an amazing view of the city lights & Justin finally told me that we would be going to a NYE party and he had reserved us a section. Now I don’t know about ya’ll, but I absolutely love when our dates are planned out & all I have to do is show up and look good.

We arrived to the party and were escorted by the host up the 2nd floor of the venue to a roped off section with a table for two. We had access to a private open bar and a buffet. I couldn’t complain about shit. It was a perfect night in my eyes & I could not stop staring at my husband. I was smitten. Although we were in a crowded club, it felt like it was just the two of us.

1 January 2020 I woke up like, “whoa shit. I partied too hard last night”, but I was happy. Although I wasn’t feeling well I did not want my husband to see or feel anything less than my happiness - so I smiled.

The drive home was a short 45 minutes & as soon as we pulled into our garage and parked I wasted no time going to our bedroom and laying tf down. I was tired from staying up until 3 A.M. the night prior and although we checked out of the hotel late, that just wasn’t enough sleep.

I closed my eyes and I just could not get comfortable & for whatever reason I had this stabbing pain in my back. Something wasn’t right.

Justin let me rest and he tended to the kids. After a few hours of this stabbing pain, I decided I needed to seek medical treatment ASAP. We are a military family & new to this area so the first thing I did was Google the hospital on base. No shit, the first review was “I had a miscarriage in the waiting room after being there for 6 hours.” Yea, WTF right? That place wasn’t a fucking option, so I started to look up urgent care facilities that took our insurance. Now, if you know me personally, you know that I have 0 patience. All of the facilities that implied that I had to wait longer than 30 mins were a NO-GO. Finally, I found a place with no wait but I had to pay out of pocket for the visit. Fuck it. Lets go.

I get to the urgent care centre, pay my money & these MFs tell me I need a pregnancy test & an ultra sound BUT I had to pay for each service OOP. -_- Fuck it, I’ll pay it because it could be some serious shit. I’ll explain to Justin later why I just paid $600 when we have Tricare later. The ultrasound tech was weird AF to say the least. She came in the room with some bedazzled cowboy boots (we live in Texas) and a shirt that said," I was a cheerleader in college.” Weird ass uniform, right?

She conducted the scan & didn’t really say shit. The scan took longer than I expected and I just laid there in that cold room naked from the waist down with a thin ass sheet over my mid-section, while an ex-college cheerleader in bedazzled cowboy boots did a transvaginal ultrasound on me. When she was done, she snatched the wand out of my cooch, unplugged her machine & left. Didn’t say a damn thing. Are you shocked? Yes? Welcome to “black women’s health care”. There is no small talk, no questions are being answered, etc.

The doctor comes in looking strange, but he cut straight to the shit. “You’re pregnancy test came back positive, but the scan of your uterus was empty. So either 1. This pregnancy is outside of the uterus. 2. It’s too early to see anything. We are transporting you via ambulance to the nearest hospital (it was less than a mile away) for further testing.” I was like WTF is going on? I immediately broke down in tears & phoned my husband. He must’ve teleported to the facility because he beat the ambulance & they explained to him that I was pregnant, but it was a strong possibility that it was an ectopic pregnancy. Based on my last period, they should’ve been able to see a sac or some shit in my uterus but there was nothing there. Just hearing that news instantly took my breath away. I started to pray for this lil’ baby that I didn’t even know I wanted. I got on Google and searched stupid stuff like “fetus surviving ectopic pregnancy”. Don’t judge me. Please.

The ambulance arrived & I watched the look of horror on my husband’s face as they swept me off. The ride to the hospital as very short. I asked the EMT in the back with me did he have any experience with ectopic pregnancy. He told me that the condition was life threatening & the hospital was going to put 0 (zero) effort into saving the baby. :(

I got situated into the emergency room & the nurses came in to take my blood pressure, vitals and inserted an IV. An HCG pregnancy test was ordered & my husband and I waited in that cold room for the the results. He didn’t say much but he did ask me me his two favorite questions: “Is there anything that I can do?” “Are you okay?”. The answer was the same for both. No.

An unknown male entered the room with two females holding clipboards. He didn’t even make eye contact with me. He asked me to confirm my name and DOB and I followed suit. Next, he asked me had I ever had an STD. I immediately asked him WTF that had to do with anything? I could feel my husband tense up a little, but he remained silent. The unidentified male explained that if I had an STD in the past, it may have been the cause of scar tissue in the tubes causing the ectopic pregnancy. 1. It had not been confirmed that the pregnancy was indeed in my tubes - only suspected 2. Sir, how about you introduce yourself before you start asking about my cooch. After he went down his checklist of questions, we were told that the on call OBGYN was on her way in.

{It seemed like hours passed before the OBGYN arrived}

3 soft knocks on the door snapped me out of the trance I was in while awaiting for the doctor. A woman entered the room and met my eyes with a friendly smile. She introduced herself as the on call OBGYN and advised me that based off the of the images from the urgent care it did look like the pregnancy was indeed ectopic. She immediately followed that information with, “I’m sorry you’re going through this.” Finally some empathy. She explained that we had two options. 1. I could be administered a drug called methotrexate which would end the pregnancy no matter where it was; This drug is a low dose of chemotherapy with a plethora of side effects. No. Just No. 2. I could undergo an laparoscopic procedure where small incisions would be made and a camera would be inserted into my abdomen. The OBGYN will be able look into my tubes and confirm if there was an ectopic pregnancy and if it was then she would remove it along with my fallopian tube. If not, then no harm will be done.

Fuck. This is too much.

I opted for the surgery. What if these doctors were wrong and the pregnancy wasn’t ectopic?

WTF is that, right? This is one of the photos the OBGYN gave my husband after the surgery. She told us that she did NOT see an ectopic pregnancy at this time & more than likely the ultrasound was just conducted too early. She did find quite a few uterine fibroids & she removed them.

Problem solved, right? Wrong.

13 JAN 2020

We were excited AF to see the baby! :) I had an ultrasound scheduled at 0930. I drove to the appointment from our home & Justin was going to meet me on base at the hospital. If you know me, I left my house at 0930 (lol) I’m never on time for appointments.

I arrived at the hospital and checked in. If you know you’re familiar with Army medicine, you know they’re going to have you arrive 15 mins prior but you get seen 30 mins late. I got called back, escorted to my room & told to undress from the waist down. I text my husband and let him know that I had gone back & he let me know he was running a little bit late but he would be there soon.

The tech started the ultrasound & everything seemed normal until the tech stopped in the middle of the scan and left the room. She came back & didn’t even look at me. I asked her if everything was okay & she told me the doctor would talk to me. WTF is going on now? The OBGYN came in & showed me the pictures from the scan. I could see our baby very clear now floating somewhere way outside of the uterus. She didn’t even have to say it, I already knew. This ultrasound confirmed my nightmare that I was experiencing an ectopic pregnancy and I was devastated. I was told I would be having surgery in the next 30 mins and I called my husband right away. I swear this man really can teleport because I blinked and he was at the hospital.

I felt like I had let him down. Maybe I went too hard on NYE. Maybe I stressed too much. Didn’t get enough sleep? This shit is clearly my fault. It’s the woman’s responsibility to carry the child & protect him/her. How TF did this happen?! ANOTHER FUCKING SURGERY? 13 days into 2020 and I am on my SECOND surgery. I got prepped, tearfully told my husband “Don’t let them kill me.”

Intramural Ectopic Pregnancy | Endometriosis Lesions | More Fibroids

I went into surgery at about 11A.M. I woke up & it was about 2000. When I looked out the window & saw the sun had gone down I immediately knew something went wrong and I broke down. Prior to the surgery, I was told it would only take about 45 mins max, so why in the hell was it night time?

My husband saw me waking up & came to my side. He looked so stressed. I asked him what happened and as soon as he started to explain the doctor came in. She told me the surgery was a success. The ectopic pregnancy had been removed, but it was not exactly in my fallopian tube. The pregnancy had implanted outside of the uterus underneath my right tube -an intramural ectopic pregnancy which effected 1% of pregnant women. That’s rare AF, right? As a result, they still had to remove my tube but also a portion of my uterus. Too much to process.

Fast forward to today - It’s damn near 2021 and I have yet to really process or talk about this. I never even knew I was hurting until one of my close friends shared her pregnancy journey with me. I was extremely happy for her & her husband, but I cried after we got off the phone.

Currently, I’m in some pretty intense ass therapy for shit totally unrelated to this loss, but the more I process the trauma I’ve been through, the more I realize I never allowed myself to grieve this pregnancy.

So there you have it. That shit was heavy, right?

I feel better already.

Writing Prompt From Therapy

Stressed, but Thankful.