The Pursuit of More & The Unsettling Felling of Never Enough
Recently, I have been experiencing a rollercoaster of emotions. Sometimes I feel proud of myself for accomplishing my goals, but then I immediately start feeling like I'm not doing enough. Although I have been ticking off the items on my goal list and reaching every milestone, I am still plagued by a persistent sense of dissatisfaction that won't go away. No matter how much I achieve, it seems like it's never quite enough. Therefore, I've decided it's time to sit down and figure out why achieving so much still leaves me feeling like something's missing. I should probably be talking to a therapist about this (lol), but since my appointment isn’t until the 25th, I guess I’ll just share my thoughts here.
Let’s start with publishing my book. I've been working on it for years, and I've been in therapy my entire life to come to terms with the events that I'm discussing in it. I finally felt ready to share a piece of my story, hoping that it would help someone else or shed some light on why I'm so guarded. At first, the response was overwhelming. Positive reviews flooded in, and I was humbled to see how many women could connect with the raw honesty of my words. It felt like I had accomplished something truly meaningful and I had made a difference in someone else's life. As the initial wave of euphoria faded, self-doubt crept in and I wondered if I could have done better. I convinced myself that my work wasn't good enough. Isn't that crazy?
Last month, I finally did it—I completed my degree in Human Resource Management. It's something I had completely written off, buried under layers of bad memories and what-ifs. I only had two classes left to wrap up the degree, but those two classes felt like they were dragging me back into a past I'd rather forget. Let me rewind a bit. Back in 2018, I was on track to graduate. Everything was falling into place, and I could almost taste that sense of accomplishment. But then, sadly Devin’s mom transitioned to her heavenly home & her homegoing services were on the same day as the graduation. It was a no brainer that I wouldn’t be attending the commencement, but after the dust settled, I found myself grappling with grief, with loss, with the heavy weight of what could have been. And in the midst of it all, I just couldn't bring myself to go back to school. It felt like closing that chapter of my life meant closing the door on all of the sad memories that went along with that year. So, I let it be, convincing myself that those two classes didn't really matter anyway.
Life has a funny way of taking us full circle, doesn't it? Now, I find myself on the verge of completing what I set out to do. It's an incredible feeling. I'm due to graduate next month, on the 10th, but there's a nagging doubt in my mind. Is it all just a façade? Sure, I'll have a piece of paper to prove my efforts, but does it truly hold any value in the bigger picture?
Going back to school wasn't just about tying up loose ends or snagging a degree—it was about something deeper. It was about setting an example for Devin and Kyrei. How could we, as parents, preach the importance of higher education to them if we weren't willing to walk the walk ourselves? It felt like we'd be selling them a dream we weren't fully invested in. So, those two classes? They became more than just a means to an end. They were a statement that said, "Hey, we value education, and we're willing to put in the work to prove it." It was about showing them that it's never too late to chase your goals, to pick up where you left off, even if life throws you a curveball or two along the way. In a nutshell, going back to school was about leading by example and showing our kids that the pursuit of knowledge is a journey worth taking, no matter how long it takes to get there.
Even though I know that I am exactly where God wants me to be, I still struggle with feelings of inadequacy that linger. It's a paradox, isn't it? Trusting in God's plan for my life while wrestling with doubts about my own abilities. As I stand on the brink of graduation, I am reminded that the story is far from over. So, consider this a cliffhanger & I promise to update ya’ll in a few weeks after graduation. Stay tuned!
