“We ain’t got it!” When Loved Ones Seek Financial Help

"Dishonest money dwindles away, but whoever gathers money little by little makes it grow." - Proverbs 13:11

Imagine a scenario where the familiar rhythms of your life are disrupted by a heart-wrenching plea from a family member in need. The gravity of their situation tugs at your heartstrings, triggering an internal struggle between compassion and practicality. This is a crossroads that countless individuals find themselves at – a juncture where the complexities of love and finances collide, but nobody ever talks about how this really effects married couples with combined finances, so let’s talk about it.

My husband and I have been married for 10 years and one of the top disagreements that we have had is most definitely the lack of boundaries between finances and family members. I find it so strange how this topic is hush amongst households, yet it threatens the equilibrium of marriage & the bonds of kinship. There is no reason that a person should have to choose from protecting their children’s financial future, and bailing out a family member in need. It's time to peel back the layers of this rarely discussed dilemma, to unveil the emotions, challenges, and triumphs that lie beneath. So, as you read on, let this story resonate, the advice sink in, and the narratives shared here inspire conversations – both internal and external – that lead to a more profound understanding of what it truly means to love, to support, and to preserve the sanctity of both our marriages and our connections to those who share our blood.

For us, there was a huge difference in financial values. My point of view was more about preserving our financial stability and my husband most definitely had a more emotional tie and sense of obligation to assist family in their time of need. Basically, I had no issue telling people hell naw & he did, but that wasn’t the fault of the ones constantly needing our help, that was an issue between us. We needed to align our financial views and values and get on the same page. My husband’s desire to help our loved ones should’ve been weighed against the impact it might have on our joint financial plans, but at times it was not. BOTH of us have large families, so can you imagine multiple people all needing help each month? The shit was driving me insane if I’m being honest.

Overcoming this issue took lots of work. The first thing we had to do was establish boundaries and discuss how much financial assistance we were comfortable providing to family members without endangering our own financial stability. For me, it was none. (L0L) I know I sound like a cold hearted bitch, but hear me out. As a parent, our responsibilities extend beyond the immediate family dynamic. One of our children has faced the heartache of losing his biological mother, a loss that reverberates through their lives in ways both seen and unseen. Another child, battling significant medical needs, requires resources and support that extend beyond the ordinary. Every financial decision carries the weight of not only securing our family's well-being but also ensuring that my children's unique needs are met with unwavering dedication. When loved ones seek financial assistance, my response is not a reflection of indifference or lack of compassion. Instead, it's rooted in a deep understanding of the complexities of our family's commitments. The financial resources needed to support my children's well-being and medical needs require careful planning and allocation. My hesitation to loan out money stems from the responsibility I bear to protect our family's future – a future where my children's needs are met without compromise. Each decision I make, especially in matters of finance, is a testament to my unwavering dedication to securing their present and their tomorrows.

Creating boundaries around financial assistance is not a withdrawal of support; rather, it's an act of love that safeguards our family's stability. These boundaries ensure that the resources we have are directed where they are needed most urgently, fostering an environment where our children's well-being remains paramount. The turning point came when we recognized the need for open, non-judgmental conversations. We set aside time to discuss our financial goals, dreams, and concerns. These conversations became a safe space where we could share our thoughts without fear of criticism or misunderstanding. I let my husband know that I was uncomfortable lending out anything to individuals that NEVER paid us back. As we delved into our respective financial histories, we uncovered the beliefs and attitudes that shaped our perspectives. This understanding helped us approach our differences with empathy, realizing that our financial decisions were often influenced by deeply ingrained values.

Armed with a newfound understanding of each other's financial mindsets, we embarked on creating a joint financial plan. This plan was not just about numbers; it was a reflection of our shared aspirations. It encompassed savings goals, budgeting strategies, and a roadmap for tackling unexpected expenses. Our financial plan wasn't set in stone; it was a living document that evolved as our circumstances changed. Flexibility and compromise became our allies as we encountered unforeseen challenges and opportunities. This adaptability allowed us to weather financial storms and seize moments of growth. Through the ups and downs, our commitment to open communication fortified our marital bond. The trust we built by sharing our vulnerabilities extended beyond financial matters, creating a strong foundation for navigating all aspects of our journey together.

The refrain of our story underscores the importance of a harmonious partnership: that before extending a helping hand to a loved one, we must first clasp our partner's hand in mutual understanding. Communication, as we discovered, isn't just a means of discussing numbers; it's the bridge that connects our dreams, values, and aspirations. We've learned that our financial goals aren't just solitary ambitions, but shared visions that serve as our guiding star. These aspirations shape our decisions, offering a blueprint for securing our family's future while fostering stability and growth. The portrait painted across the canvas of our experiences illustrates that while the call of familial ties is strong, the call of preserving our marital bond is stronger. Our commitment to unity empowers us to extend compassion without compromising our shared goals. It allows us to stand united in the face of external pressures, navigating financial challenges as a resilient team.

As we stand at the crossroads of familial obligation and marital unity, we find solace in the wisdom that we've cultivated. Our journey reflects the enduring truth that decisions rooted in open dialogue, shared values, and stability resonate more deeply than impulsive gestures. Through this journey, we've woven our own narrative of empowerment, one that champions the strength of partnership, the harmony of communication, and the resilient tapestry of financial unity.

With this wisdom, we’ve been able to move forward – not as mere individuals, but as a united front, fortified by the lessons we've learned, the goals we've set, and the stability we've prioritized. One of the things I love most about my husband is the genuine kindness that resides within his heart and his unwavering will to assist those in need. Yet, what resonates even more deeply within me is how he has evolved to embrace boundaries, and how he holds our marriage and the financial aspirations we've set for our children's future in the highest regard.